I need you here
Smothering me
To keep breath in my body
And oxygen circulating in my blood.

I hate you in my head
Under my skin
At my fingertips.

Crush me.
Just don't tear me apart.

Fantacising on impossible dreams.

At a stretch you could see my fingertips.
Faces blurred and spaces between.
The distance is something I feel -
Empty space knotted inside of me.

On velvet sea

Where eye meets eye.
Candid you
And I will dream.
This is where
We don't have to try
To mean.
Cradled safety.
Of open water.

Some of the time I will look through things I wrote a while ago. Sometimes, the vaguest things bring back the most vivid memories. (Then again, some of them, I've entirely forgotten what they were about.)

"High on the hill where the rain came down."

You smell like rain on dry earth.
But far brighter than any thunderstorm I've known.
And although I won't show it right now,
I'll appreciate it later.
Even if your rain on my skin is more than I can take,
It still captures every inch of me.
Intoxicates every cell.

Yours is volume. Silence mine. You whispered every word.
You're shouting. Under your breath. In my ear.
Your persistance is where I fall.
Screaming at the top of your lungs, so loud only I can hear.

Your thumbs press in again in vain.

It's not going according to plan, not the masterpiece you'd hoped for. Now the clay's turning to mud and it's falling apart and leaving dirt all over your hands. You didn't ruin it, it's just how things turned out. The would-be pot became a puddle.

You need to hear this.

You can't compare the things that happened to you to the things that happened to someone else. There's no better or worse. Just different. It can't be compared. This happened to you. This hurt you.
What happened to others shouldn't matter. You shouldn't and can't compare it. Because you're you and they're them.

Oh, and another thing: it wasn't your fault.
No way, no how.
Not your fault.

You know how dangerous this is

But you can't put the fire out.
It's far too beautiful to let it die anyway.
So it will burn until you start to doubt.
The flames are growing and it's killing you not knowing.
And the flames may flicker
But your heartbeat just gets quicker.
So now it's oxygen or water.
But you're feeding on this feeling
And thriving on the danger.
Oxygen or water?
You'd rather not know which.

The Great and Evil Monster of Fate and Jarbedoodums.

…And at That Moment, from atop the Mountain of Mystical Qualities, a Bellowing Voice hath quoth:


“Rargh, Rargh, Rargh. I am the Great and Evil Monster of Fate and Jarbedoodums. I travel the lands searching for victims to force their Fate upon. Any one person who resists shall be Eaten or otherwise Digested. Some people may be Fated to marry a Bee so they may wish to resist, however, I proclaim to you now that Death by Digestion is a much worse Fate.

With regards to the matter of Jarbedoodums: no Jarbedoodum shall be spoken without My Consent. Those who attempt to speak Jarbedoodums shall be Clawed to Death by a Mocked Speaking. This is the most dreadful of Fates to be thus bequeathed.

I shall reign from this day forth until the Fairy of Wonder and Light shall return. My Realm shall stretch from the Great River of Life in the North to the Caves of Malice in the South. The Western Border shall be represented by the Mountains Upon Which I Stand and My Kingdom shall spread as far to the East as the Giant of Kurlapzl can run in a day. All Men, Women and Children within My Realm shall obey My Words and hence bow to Me as the One Who is Always Right.”


Thence, was Our Law scribed as a result of this Monstrous Intervention. Until the Return of the Fairy of Wonder and Light shall we serve and follow the Ways of the Great and Evil Monster of Fate and Jarbedoodums…

Vast.

For all that was lost,
For all that was gained,
For the plans that were made,
And the the dreams we held close,
For the lives that we changed,
And the ones that changed ours,
For the people that left,
The people that stayed,
And the ones who let us down,
Or where we found help in unexpected places,
For the longest dark nights,
And the brightest of days,
The times we thought we wouldn’t get through,
And the highs from which we thought we’d never come down.
For the things misplaced,
And the hope we found.
For all of this,
We’re still here.
Smiling and laughing and crying and aching.
Breathing and living.
Feeling and loving.

So here we are.

Look at me with those eyes that assure me I'm safe.
Listen with understanding ears.
Breathe in this air in time with me.
Say the words that tell me I'm home.
Hold my hand so I know I'm not alone.
Make me believe.

'For miles to come.'

For all this time you've been running,
You've barely moved an inch.
Now you're asking them to make mountains move,
When you can't even move your own molehills
To fill in the potholes you keep stumbling over.

Dear you.

Well done.
Managing once again to make a mess of things.
It's really quite impressive.
But you should try to not do that.
At least, some of the time.

"If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him."

Even if it sucks, at least it's real.  At least there are people who care and won't just leave.
At least it's life.
It's everything.

It's not a lie.  It may not be the truth the whole time, but it's not a lie.
And the truth is out there to be found.